It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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