I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
