apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
