1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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