i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
