sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
