Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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