I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
