remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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