his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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