You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
