dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
