Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
