she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
