theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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