Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
