I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
