i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
