My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
