At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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