I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
