Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
