Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
