i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
