fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
