Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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