o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
