She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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