Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
