she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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