The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
