everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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