Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
