alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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