YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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