I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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