Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
