Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
