my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
