i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
