I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I need water and some morals
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
