Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
