just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
