Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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