I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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