i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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