Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize