So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
