Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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