I hate all girls vehemently.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize