Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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