The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
