I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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