So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
