they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
