it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
