Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize