"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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